I can see a very clear pattern here that is thwarting your soul’s descent…preventing you from grounding into YOU…take a look:
…Both our children are at varsity…
…My mom and dad need supporting…
…the trainer who said to let it be as my body wouldn’t hurt itself…
…with Tim and part of that is travelling with him when he goes overseas or does cycling marathon’s…
…I asked my husband to…
…I used hard core alcohol…
…dependency on cappuccinos..
…date-raped by my bosses..
…diagnosed me with Lymes disease (Thank God!)…
…Lauren, I really hope you can help me…
In all those things above, do you see the common thread? Actually the “missing” thread?
The missing thread is YOU. Where is Alison in all those things? I see a lot of other people and things that are serving to take the place of Alison, but after reading all of what you wrote I have no idea who you are or where you are…it almost feels as tho you are missing from your own life.
And therein lies the block to ensouling.
The pattern you revealed seems to be a consistent externalization of your soul power (so(u)lar plexus). You are looking to others to find YOU…you are looking to external things to bring you healing, to help you to embody…yet the rhetorical nature of your patterning keeps subjugating the very thing you need in order to eliminate those very patterns…YOU.
This is not to lessen the impact of what you have been thru, but to help you rise above it…to move beyond it. Yet, the only way to transcend suffering is to find the value in it.
The value, as I see it, is that you are very clearly showing yourself all the ways in which you (unconsciously) give yourself away. And what speaks louder to “unconscious-ly giving yourself away” than date rape? As horrifying as that experience must have been for you, is as power-ful as the teaching is.
The higher YOU…that part of you that is so bold and courageous that it would literally create a scene (prior to your incarnation) in which you would experience the projection of your wounding in such a big way so that you could eventually reclaim yourself…is trying so hard to merge with the lower/human you.
The best news is that both versions (human & cosmic) ARE you…which means you have the ability to tune into and harness that higher power that is the higher YOU. You can access and ground the strength that your true Self is exhibiting right now in your soul’s motivation to serve you in such a divine and unconditionally loving way.
This power that you are desperately seeking in others can only be attained from accessing and honoring your own truth…the truth of who you are and what you deeply desire for yourself. You do this first and foremost by finding the courage within to put yourself as a priority..before ALL else and all others…no exceptions. When you and your soul discovery process become a larger priority to yourself than anything else in your life, you are golden.
But until you do that, until you take the leap into finding out who you truly are and why you are here in this lifetime…your higher/cosmic self will not be “permitted” to enter, as it were, your lower self & life. That is both the blessing and the curse of ascension/descension.
Incidentally, this refusal of Self is also what keeps your energy at the head level….the displacement of power, of soul Self, prevents you from anchoring into your body and life and results in a preponderance of head energy. There is nothing wrong...in fact everything is very right with you. Your path and soul are is simply and perfectly reflecting to you that you are not owning your true value as a magnificent diving being, so that you can make new choices to honor yourSelf first.
Somewhere along the line you misplaced your power…you entrusted your soul in the hands of someone or thing that did not have your best interests at heart. (And we all do this btw) Your job now is to seek and find all those lost soul parts in which you “gave yourself away”, and return them to their rightful owner. All the parts that you willingly and unwillingly (as in your trauma) gave away, you must now reclaim.
And no one can do that but you. There will be no external thing, including me, that can “help” you…for the whole journey Home is in finding that strength, and everything you need, from within yourself. You have it in there…we all do. And by vibrational law, you definitely wouldn’t be here asking me these questions right now if you weren’t absolutely capable in this moment.
The first step? Begin with LOVEing yourself so fully that you would allow yourself and your life to “fall apart” in order to put the pieces back together in the proper order…SELF first. Until you do that, I assure you that there will be no lasting reprieve.
Them reclaim your power by remembering who you truly are.
So I leave you with this: Who is Alison?