Hi Lis, just read thru this and my first thought was (not to minimize your situation) but could running out of money be THE clearing of your fear of running out of money…at the lower/physical level?
I say this because your situation is very reminiscent of what I was personally undergoing when I sold my restaurant and some real esate I had before giving up everything in order to ascend, and with hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank I thought…“there’s no way I will run out of money before I find and anchor my true purpose for BEing on this planet”.
In my mind I had a large enuf nest egg to make the transition and thought it was a “responsible” way to do so…that is, until the sheriff came knocking at my door 😳
The point is that there can be no safety net for the sake of a safety net…that we must clear all the fears that lead us to believe that we need a safety net to begin with. It’s not the money itself that’s the issue, it’s the doubts that are hiding behind the money that block our abundance.
Most times…in my own experience and even with clients in the past…we have to physically hit the bottom in order to clear the patterns that we created in the physical dimensions. Aka, no amount of spiritual work will cut thru the density of the physical world without our participation in it. Because our emotional impressions of duress are embedded in our (physical) cell structure/memory…and dependending on how deep the wound…we sometimes need to literally live out an unresolved/unloved experience in order to transmute it.
For myself, I had to physically experience foreclosure and bankruptcy because when I was a child my parents nearly lost our home to a business gone bad and had to file bankruptcy. Tho I didn’t know it was so deeply a part of me, the trauma they lived was obviously embedded in my cells and so by the time I was an adult, I too had to relive those experiences…in very real ways…in order to transmute the fears I unknowingly had, find my lost power, and create a new outcome for myself.
That new outcome is a glorious one…but it was each physical step of retracing and facing my fears that made my now possible.
The point is, sometimes we need to hit rock bottom in order to trigger the deepest of our core wounds for clearing and release. When we do, when we find the courage to consciously feel those fears we tried to keep at bay our whole lives, we can instantly alchemize them into new, aligned potentials for ourselves.
Seems to me that have a profound opportunity before you…a choice point that if dealt with consciously, has the potential to heal the whole history of the environmental impressions of scarcity imposed upon you as a child. If you can view it this way, with an empowered perspective and not as a cop-out, as you say… then even if you have to temporarily borrow some money to make it over the hump, you can do so with the awareness that your higher Self will stretch you far as you need to go in order to heal this part of your past.
Realize that our higher/GOD Self has no care or interest in being responsible…only that we heal that which blocks us from being whole. All else is a human imposed assessment. Your response-ability is to YOU, to your HEART, and to destroying anything that it is the way of your joy. I would say that this is a good time to let your guard down, to LOVE yourself thru the notion that you are somehow being irresponsible, and feel all the uncomfortable feelings associated with that self imposed judgement.
On the other side of those feelings is your truth…which is abundant by your very BEing.
p.s. And btw, you are a warrior! I am inspired by your ability to trust so implicitly in the call of your heart that you would be willing to take it all the way to your core wounds for healing. Truly commendable.