“OR by acknowledging that I don’t want to work these jobs that aren’t fulfilling to me and trying to place the focus on home/grounding/creation/ belief that my abundance – financial and otherwise lies in honoring these desires”…is that a reflection of high SELF VALUE
However, my feeling is that this rhetorical confusion, conflict and chaos you are swirling in is less about time/money management and self value, and more about honesty and self LOVE…which ultimately lead to self value.
I say that because your heart is very clearly communicating to you what your soul-self wants, yet it’s subtle voice gets drowned out in the loud head-rattle (conflict) that arises when you honor the “shoulds” or feelings of obligation that seem to take over.
In the case of head vs heart conflict, (self) LOVE is always the answer…
When I say self LOVE in this regard I am not referring to the feminine fluffy stuff…I mean more of the masculine side of self LOVE, the warrior, courageous part of you that is willing to stand up in honor of what you truly desire and take action from that place of LOVEing yourself so fully that you would be willing to let others down…even your partner…if it meant being true to your heart. It means digging deep and uncovering the realization that your heart (soul) is a precious commodity and that you owe it to yourself and to the world to fight for its expression…because ultimately, that’s the only reason we are here.
This stood out the most to me:
“and yet I don’t work all those hours – largely because I just want to BE (but, of course, when I don’t work those hours and spend some extra time at home, I feel stressed about what my fiance’s reaction might be about me not working -or concerns about $ and so that “BE” time become BErating myself time.”
This catch 22 is resulting from a fear/inability to be really honest…maybe with yourself, and therefore your fiance..about what you truly want. The consequence of which is complicating things and more likely than not, draining your energy.
And you know too that this isn’t about your partners demands on you…this is about the demands you place on you.
The resolve is in facing your own inner critic and derailing thoughts of “what if”? It’s about having the courage to blindly trust in your heart’s capacity to lead you to fulfilment and abundance...against all odds. The “busyness” in your life may unconsciously serve as a distraction from having to face some deep fears around worth, but the truth is, your abundance lies at the heart of that fear…its bait!
Investing in yourSelf is honestly the greatest/wisest investment you can make, because the return is eternal. But just like any investment, there is risk…seems to me that what you need to weigh out is if your heart is worth the gamble…
And I think you already know the answer to that.
Am I at least in the ballpark?
p.s. my latest answer to Diana may also offer you some insight