MemberFebruary 8, 2021 at 3:36 am
“First life. Bye!” Love this.
I am finding my feet still. Keeping neutrality at the forefront of my heartmind. But boy it’s a steep learning curve and one that seems to need to employ what I call my weak Masculine muscle.
I’m guessing this isn’t really an unused muscle but more that I was disallowed? using the traditional/old paradigm/corrupted Masculine energy/process, hence my ‘inability’ to engage ‘productively’ in the world as it has been thus far. I always found it curious how I felt held away from the regular world especially when it came to money and work. But I had early experiences where I literally was unable to engage with jobs I got due to a dissonance of ethics shall we say. My sense of rightness and wrongness was always heightened even as a young child and my body simply would fail to comply with the ‘game’ .
I have been largely supported in being ‘offline’ in this arena but not in an easy way. I had to ‘take’ a lot of distress and dissolve innate boundaries/contract parts of myself out/find neutrality/’deal’ with unwanted stuff to manage this phenomenon of feeling held away from ‘real’ life.
This last week has seen my-cellf call back those aspects that were given away which is I guess a retrieval of boundaries which I have tried to do before but failed. I feel more certain that the boundaries/parameters I am called to set/articulate now will be supported better. Maybe heard for the first time?
I’m still a bit wobbly like a toddler taking its first steps and frankly I am feeling nervous in terms of my ability, much like one might feel in a new job.
Interestingly, this past few days I have had three old male friends that I have not heard from in a while contact me to ask for my guidance as they move forward into their own new trajectories. They used the terms, guru (which I don’t resonate with at all), sage and wisdom.
I feel I am actually being ‘seen’ (by the Masculine/right side up matrix?) for the first time. 🙄
Reclamation and redemption seem to be very much on the cards.